


I’m living mine

by nofeartina



Series: Rearranged [7]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Implied Balloon Squad, Isak POV, Isak is looking back, M/M, New Year's Eve, brief boy squad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 14:28:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13215723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofeartina/pseuds/nofeartina
Summary: It still gets to him. How fast things have changed.And maybe that’s part of the reason why he feels sad.Because if things can change this fast for the better, it just goes to show how fast things can turn to shit again if he’s not careful.So he is. Now he is.





	I’m living mine

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year everybody!
> 
> I wanted to do something special for you because you’ve all made my year in this fandom awesome. And this is what I came up with! A little ficlet in the Rearranged verse, with our boys celebrating New Year’s Eve together (I know, I said it was done, but apparently not quite… ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯). 
> 
> A big thank you to Kit for beta’ing this for me, you are the best, bb! <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy my little gift to you! <3

“So what are you grateful for this year?” Magnus says and raises his glass, waiting for someone to start.

Jonas starts by shouting _beer_ , and then everybody joins in, doesn’t even wait their turn and it’s a happy blur of hits they got on their latest video, their finals being over, the awesome headphones they got for Christmas.

And Isak hates these types of questions. Knows that there’s so much he has to be grateful for this year, too much. He doesn’t stand a chance to remember all of them. And even though it should make him feel grateful, it’s not. It’s making him a bit sad, making him think of how bad he used to have it.

They’re all sitting around the dinner table, Even’s friends and his friends. Somehow they’ve become _their_ friends. They’re done eating, and they’re full and more or less drunk on all the wine and beer they’ve been drinking.

All but Even and him.

Isak is so happy to have him there with him, how it makes him feel less weird about not drinking. Makes him think of it less.

There’s something about the holidays that just gets to him. Makes him realize just how much he’s been missing out on.

He knows how hard Even has been trying to make him feel better about it, knows just how much he’s been indulging him this Christmas. To the point where their apartment is overflowing with decorations, and everything is about them making new traditions.

It’s nice. Isak really appreciates it. He _does_.

But he still remembers how alone he used to be. How last New Year’s Eve was spent at a party away from Even, with his old friends. He was miserable then, too drunk, too high. He had missed Even like crazy, and now he knows just how much Even had missed him too. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’d felt so _alone_. Or how, just a year ago, he’d been so used to that feeling. Didn’t really expect things to change.

It still gets to him. How fast things have changed for him. And maybe that’s part of the reason why he feels sad. Because if things can change this fast for the better, it just goes to show how fast things can turn to shit again if he’s not careful.

So he is. Now he is.

But how the hell is he supposed to tell the boys just how grateful he is for _everything_ that’s happened this last year? He wouldn’t know where to start.

It takes a while but they start quieting down, start looking at Isak for his answer, but Isak stays silent.

He feels so restless, so out of place. Looks longingly at the wine and the beer on the table and knows they would help. Just a sip and he would feel better. Just a bottle and he would forget.

The second he realizes what he’s thinking he stands up. The sudden silence in the room tells him that he’s too abrupt and now everyone is looking at him, adding to his nerves and discomfort.

“Bathroom,” he says with a rough voice and leaves the room gracelessly. Almost to the point of escaping.

He doesn’t slow down until he’s standing outside in Magnus’s garden. The snow crunches under his shoes and the cold air seeps through his clothes, but he doesn’t care. He just needed to get out of there.

He takes a deep breath. And then another. Watches how his breath comes out as fog, watches it disappear into the night.

It calms him down a bit, makes him feel more like himself, but also a little bit ashamed about his dramatic exit from the party.

He manages to take another couple of deep breaths before the door behind him opens and Even hesitantly steps out.

He doesn’t ask if he’s alright, just comes to him, in that quiet way that he does sometimes. When he knows that Isak doesn’t have any words to give him back. He puts his hands on Isak’s waist, looks him in the eyes and just breathes with him for a few seconds. The way he looks at him tells Isak more than a thousand words ever could.

He exhales slowly, letting Even’s presence relax him. Settle him even further into his own skin. He steps into Even, into his arms, presses his body against his. Breathes him in, gets even more comforted by the familiar scent filling him.

Even lets him, makes room for him by putting his arms around Isak and lets him take all the consolation that he needs from him.

Isak is slumped in on himself, making himself smaller and pressing his face against the lapel of Even’s suit jacket. He could stay there forever. He doesn’t care that his toes are cold or that his fingers are probably turning blue. He doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

“Sorry,” he mutters, his voice muffled against Even.

Even _hmm_ s and tightens his grip on him.

“I feel so fucking stupid for leaving like that,” he continues. He presses his face even further into Even’s shoulder, wants to hide from the world.

“Don’t be.” Even pauses for a few seconds and takes a deep breath. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

He doesn’t say, _we all understand_ , or, _we know it’s not easy for you_ , or one of the thousands of things Isak’s heard over and over. So many times in fact, that those phrases have lost all meaning.

Isak doesn’t answer, keeps quiet, keeps still. Just lets himself stand there and feel Even against him, feel the cold overtake him and his heart slow down.

After a couple of minutes where Even is obviously starting to get cold as well, he finally breaks the silence.

“Do you want to go home?” he asks and Isak can feel him flex his fingers against his shoulder blades like he’s trying to get some heat back into them.

Isak shakes his head and finally leans back enough that he can look at Even.

“No.”

But he doesn’t know what he wants. He isn’t quite sure if he’s ready to go inside yet, what to tell his friends.

Even seems to sense it, lets him hesitate, gives him time to decide. He smiles that fond smile of his, the one that still makes Isak heat up with how intimate it feels, and then he puts his cold hands on Isak’s cheeks.

“Okay,” he leans in until he’s so close that his lips are almost touching Isak’s. “I’m going to kiss you now and then we’re going to take this inside because I’m freezing my ass off out here.”

And then he does, but Isak is laughing into it so it takes a while for the kiss to turn into more than them smashing their smiles together. But once it does Isak loses himself in it fast.

It’s the perfect distraction, the perfect way for Isak to get out of his head and into his body. He lets Even take charge of the kiss, lets him decide how long and how hard and he moans into it.

It doesn’t take long for him to forget why he’s out here in the first place.

There’s so many ways for them to kiss, so many types of kisses that Isak has learned now, but he’ll never really get used to the intensity with which Even kisses him. It always catches him by surprise how much love Even can pour into it, how much a simple kiss can make him feel, and Isak’s never experienced anything like it before. Nobody has ever kissed him like Even has.

He hopes he’ll never get used to it.   

It’s not until Even starts shivering, until Isak notices how Even’s nose is turning too cold against his face that he pulls back.

“Let’s get you inside,” he says with a low, rough voice and a smile on his face. It’s amazing how easy it is for Even to make him feel better.

When they finally sit down at the table again next to each other hand in hand, his friends look awkward and it’s too quiet.

Isak is wracking his brain, trying to come up with an excuse that will change the mood in the room and not just make it worse. But he doesn’t know what to say, even though he’s pretty sure they all understand anyway.

In the end it’s Magnus that breaks the silence by saying, “Okay, let’s play another game. That one was stupid anyway,” he looks at Isak as he says that, but it’s subtle in a way Magnus rarely is and Isak smiles at him.

Even clears his throat, making them all look at him. “I have another one. What about: what do you wish for in the new year?”

He’s looking at Isak while he’s saying this and he’s smiling and Isak is so fucking grateful for him. Everybody is quiet, waiting for Isak to start talking, and he takes the time to look at each person sitting around the table. Lets himself see how they all look at him, not with pity, but with trust and love and he’s never felt more at home around a table than he does this second.

He can’t believe just how much his life has turned around in a year. How he’s surrounded by people now, has a support system and a parent who cares for him.

It’s such a huge contrast to how alone he used to be.

He still fucking hates thinking back to the time he spent in that small apartment of his, how desolate and lost he’d been.

He’s filled with the awareness of how happy, how relieved, he is. Lets a smile overtake his face and sees how it spreads to all the other faces around the table.

“I don’t wish for anything. Just for everything to stay as it is right now.”

They all raise their glasses in a toast and Isak joins them, clinks his water glass with their wine glasses and for once doesn’t let it bother him.

Because it’s true. He knows that things obviously change, that things don’t stay the same. But he also realizes that this moment here, with his friends, with Even, is one of those moments he will remember forever and look back on with a smile.

He’s so goddamn lucky that this is his life now, that these people want him in theirs.

He really does hope it stays like this forever.

And later when the clock nears midnight and everybody has started the countdown, Isak pulls Even close, close enough that Even raises his eyebrows at him in amusement.

He’s not fooling anyone, it’s so clear what he’s doing. But Isak doesn’t care that everyone knows. He just wants to do this, have the best start to the year he could possibly have.

When the clock strikes 12 he’s kissing Even. He keeps kissing him, pulling him closer, making sure that there’s not a spare centimeter between them.

This. This is what he wants to be doing for the rest of the year. This is what he wants to be doing for the rest of his life. He never wants to spend another New Year’s Eve away from Even.

When Isak finally pulls back, he’s out of breath and flushed in the best of ways. He doesn’t go far, though, stays as close to Even as possible.

“Happy New Year, baby,” he whispers against Even’s lips.

Even smiles and kisses him quickly, before he says it back. “Happy New Year.”

When they finally separate, when they’re done wishing all their friends happy New Year’s and they’re outside watching the fireworks, Even puts his arms around him from behind. And, as always when Even does this, Isak relaxes back against him, more comfortable than he’s ever been with anyone.

They stand like that for a while, close, enjoying the fireworks together. It’s not until the others around them start to go back into the house, chased inside by the cold, that Even finally speaks.

“I want everything to stay the same as well,” he whispers into Isak’s ear.

And maybe that’s why he wasn’t able to answer Magnus’ question. Because what he’s grateful for isn’t a thing or a person as such. It’s a _feeling_.

It’s what he’s feeling standing right here, with Even’s arms around him and his voice in his ear. It’s how fast his heart is beating but how calm he is. It’s how much love he has in him and how much love he has for Even.

It’s everything and all that.

How can he possibly explain that? He’s not sure this feeling even has a word. But he knows that this is what he’s grateful for.

Maybe it’s happiness. Maybe that’s why he can’t say it out loud, it’s been so long since that feeling was one he experienced regularly. He wants to feel like this forever.

And as his heart is brimming with it, as his stomach is churning with happy butterflies, he knows he has everything he needs.

He can’t imagine a more perfect way to start the new year.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this! <3
> 
> If you did please don’t hesitate to comment or give kudos and make my New Year’s even better! :D
> 
> I’m [nofeartina](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, come play. :)
> 
> And if you want more Rearranged, I did two Christmas-drabbles in this verse as well, you find find them [here](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/post/168819855379/halla-love-your-drabbles-my-heart-always-melt) and [here](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/post/168828918214/ok-so-if-you-have-the-time-and-energy-19-and-23) (other than these I’m pretty sure I’m done now, though… xD).
> 
> Godt nytår! <3


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